Sadness and Stress

You're probably reading this and thinking, "Jesus is she grim." However, given my circumstances in life, I think I have justification for it. And if I don't, well, I forgive myself.

School is a terrifying place for me. I've talked about this in other posts, but you would think that because I'm in my last year, I'd be chill. NOPE. Super unchill. Actually, the farthest thing from it. I cannot sit in class. I have no idea what it is. I cannot handle it. The environment makes my anxiety shoot through the roof, and then, it makes my stomach grumble. Which makes everything a thousand times worse because I get more nervous and anxious and that exacerbates it. And it's not being worried about being called on. I don't mind being called on. I have no idea why or how I am like this. So, I hate myself for it. 

My classes are also a very heavy lift this semester as well. So, I think this is a fair stressor. I mean, everyone looks at you and says "You always get stuff done, so you shouldn't worry about it," but that doesn't determine the future. I hate when people say that. I have a thirty page paper due at the end of the semester and I'm taking a writing class to prepare for the bar. 

To add, I'm also having second thoughts being a lawyer. I mean that parts not new, but I haven't gotten a return offer for my in-house job yet. And, I'm petrified of a law firm. Mix it all up and you're now googling in class "JD preferred careers." Super fun when you're also scheduling and preparing for the bar. I mean, I would ask the career office at school, but I know that the school has really screwed over opportunities for kids and just made their life way more difficult, so I don't trust them. But the idea of being a lawyer...I don't like. I'm definitely not smart enough for it.  I need a lot of down time, so working 60 hours a week in something like that is not for me. I also just don't want to hate myself more than I already do. That's gonna be really fun to tell my parents. They're still going to make me take the bar though, I just know it. It would help take some pressure off though, just knowing that even if I did fail (God forbid) that I could still make it. 

I used to plan out my life, I used to think five years ahead, but I don't anymore. I just have so much dreed. I cannot even plan out where I'll be next week. 

On top of that, my grandpa isn't doing well. He needs full time care, so my mom has been living at my grandparent's house for a couple weeks. He was just put on hospice a week ago. He has cirrhosis of the liver at the advanced stage. I am very close with my grandpa too. It's really hard to watch him become kind of a shell of himself. His liver won't filter out things anymore which builds ammonia in his brain. This makes him very confused and really, honestly, not human. I got to see him the other day after school, but he didn't recognize me. And he's only in his 70's.  

There's a lot of family drama with this as well. I also have to take care of my dad and my parents' house. I've been instructed that I am not allowed to crumble when the inevitable happens, that I have to focus on school. Which then stresses me out further because now I have to try and get done what I can now so I can give myself a little room to be grieving. However, I'm already burnt out from school, so I'm not getting anything done. 

My friends don't understand. I can look happy for a bit, and it seems like everything is normal, but it's not. I'm losing myself. I used to be so good at being so positive, no matter what was going on. I always woke up and made myself feel happy even if I truly wasn't. I could do anything with a positive happy go lucky attitude.

And now, I've lost that cover. I cried at school the other day. And if you knew me, you'd know that I refuse to let anyone at school see me cry because I won't let anyone there have something over on me. I couldn't stop it though. I couldn't control it. I can't slap on that happy face or that happy attitude anymore. I'm very very sad. My depression has gotten to a point I am unfamiliar with. I've never reached this point. I've never felt hopeless and this much dreed for so long or so severely debilitating. 

My friends were upset with me that I didn't want to go out drinking for my friend's birthday this weekend. I don't feel bad for not going. I just wish that they would put in a little effort to understand. I wish that I didn't feel like I should hurry up and get the conversation done when they ask how things are. I wish I gave myself enough grace to talk about this stuff. I wish my mind didn't feel like a thousand pounds. 

I feel bad telling anyone my problems. I feel like such a big fat burden. I feel like everyone would look at me and have the internal thoughts of "we get it life's hard can we just get over this." 

So, I just drive around. I ask if I can help my mom. And I scrape on by with school. I drag myself around and slap on the last of the smile and happy attitudes I can muster left. That jar has specks and crumbs left. And no way of filling it back up. And so I sit in this. I'm just here. 

I see why some people just pick up their entire life and move away though. Believe me, if there was an out, I'd take it. 

 I don't know how to make myself feel better. And even if I did, it feels wrong to do so. Even though the time hasn't come yet. This all fell within a month. A month prior he was happy, maybe not totally painless, but present, able to play cards with us like he always does. We've played our last card game though. 

I'm not quite sure how to end this post. Really, I'm sorry if you have read this. I have no solutions for myself, and I have no way to avoid any of these things. I sure as hell can't offer any advice, and if I did it would simply be negligent. I guess my hope is that you never feel this way.  

I shouldn't sign off the way I normally do, it feels dishonest.

Love,

Cici