Trust Issues + Dating

At least by myself I know that I’m safe and sound. By myself I know that I’m not a second mother to anyone. By myself I know that I won’t have to lie to cover for someone else’s behavior. I know that I’m okay and that I am happy.

In another post I wrote about a boy, however not a boyfriend. That situation was extremely tough and wore me to a low point. The boyfriend before that wore me to a point where I lost the ability to cry, I lost the ability to feel any and all emotions, and more terrifying, I lost the ability to sleep. I would stay up playing mahjong or sudoku under my bed so that nothing could happen to me. When I broke up with that boyfriend, I couldn’t leave because well he threatened to do something to himself. I don’t need to say anymore, I think we all understand. 

So like I said before, I’ve had really bad relationships. Which makes my head think “do I even know what a healthy one is or what a healthy one is like?” I think the answer is I don’t, but I know what makes it unhealthy, and I know what unhealthy feels like. 

I know I need to do some work on myself too. I have some pretty good trust issues. However, as much as I trusted the last torments (exes) I never trusted them fully or the last couple, halfway. To be fair, you could never tell how they would respond to anything. Before you think of anything crazy, it was things like hanging out with my friends. Which I think just shows how normalized it is in my brain to not trust someone, I don't trust you but sure let's do a relationship, messed up huh? But I don’t think I trust anyone fully. Boyfriends, boys in general, literally anyone and everyone. I used to go to therapy and then I realized that I don’t even trust my therapist, so what’s the point of therapy? 

I used to trust a lot more than I do now. There were a few people that knew me very well and were the closest to being people I trusted fully. They left though. I miss both those friendships very much, even though it's been five ish years. I grew up with those friends and now I don’t have them, they grew up and moved to different people. Currently, they are dating someone who doesn't like me because I am a girl, and those friendships were with guys. I can partly understand, but I still miss them. It's hard to let go of people you grew up with and spent every day with. So maybe, it's part abandonment as well.

If you know me, I wear my heart on my sleeve in a strange way. I can tell you the most upsetting things that happened to me with zero emotions. It's a weird catch-22. I’m very honest, but not with my emotions. Somehow the emotions are what I keep protected and not the actual information. It’s backwards and I hate that about myself. Maybe it's a form of preemptive self defense, like I’ve been through this so don’t think that whatever you do I’ll be distraught, I don’t know. Like, why can’t I just shut up about it all and not even bother telling anyone any of it. Maybe I just want someone to hear it, but I don't trust them to really hear it. 

Anyways, I got way off-track whoops, but I'm working on being more trusting. My friend, let's call her B, is making me face these things. She's very inquisitive and cares with her entire heart. I'll say something and back it up with 'I'm totally fine,' and she will stop and have me explain. Which makes me face things and think. She feels with her whole self and her thought process really makes me reflect and open up a bit more. It's a good exercise for me, she doesn't know that, but I appreciate her beyond words. 

I sound like a peach, huh? Writing this is upping my anxiety lol. But I know I have the ability to be in a healthy relationship. I just don’t trust anyone to try and make it happen. 

My mom asks me constantly when I’m going out on a date, and if you think that’s strange, we just went on vacation and said to me “you could go here on your honeymoon!” I legit turned my head to see who she was talking to. And I tell her every time, I don’t have an interest in dating, safe to say she doesn’t like that answer very much. Sure, I’ve gone out on a few dates here and there, but it’s nothing I would commit to trusting. 

Hopefully this feeling changes, I think it will when I meet someone who makes it seem worthwhile. When that will be? I don’t know. I like the idea of when it's meant to be it will be, but with online dating and our generation, I have a bit less faith in that. 

I’m not really sure why I wrote this, it’s not very positive or helpful like my other content. It’s very honest and raw and almost sad. However, I promised when I started this space to be honest. 

I guess the moral of this is to say that it's probably not picturesque for anyone, and to remind us that each one of us has our own full life with problems. I guess to put everyone else’s mind and struggles in perspective. 

With love and lightheartedness,

Cici